Iron Man 3: So Awesome. Or… Not.

Iron-Man-3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Original Subheader: SO AWESOME!!! Wait… hold up… did I just see that, let me think…. Oh… wait.. not as awesome as I thought! *GASP*)

Ok gang, so it’s been awhile since I’ve reviewed a film, and yes you’ve probably read a million reviews on this film.  But this one is FULL of SPOILERS, cursing, and full on hate for this film,  so consider yourself WARNED!

Overall I give Iron Man 3 a C- ….  Yes that’s right, a C-.

Forget the fact that this movie made $700 Million so far, REMEMBER it opened up in EUROPE A WEEK EARLY!  Which I’ve learned that Europeans have no taste in good movies.  I mean the Europeans spent nearly $300 Million on the last Resident Evil installment when the US only spent $25 Million… Tells ya something.

This movie is honestly the worst in all the three Iron Man films, because of a number of details which I will mention here….

SPOILER ALERT…..SPOILER ALERT……SPOILER ALERT!!!

 

So throughout the film, the plot is muddled, one minute there’s this terrorist called “The Mandarin” who threatens the entire world with his bombings.  Apparently these ‘bombs’ are people who have the ability to heal themselves from even the worst injury.  However, for some of these people, they have a ‘defect’ and blow up anything within a wide radius.And I mean EVERYTHING buildings, people, dogs and cats, etc.
Enter the first bomb incident, where Jon Favreau’s character SHOULD have died. Instead he’s severely injured and sent to the hospital where he stays in a coma, for the whole film. This bomb blows up an entire city block along with the Mann Chinese theater.  How the hell does Jon Favreau’s character live?  My brain hurts thinking about it.

Later on, we learn that Tony Stark has had an obsessive compulsive disorder (Since the Avengers movie) which doesn’t allow him to sleep, so he ‘tinkers’ with new suits, showcasing the Mark-42 in the very beginning of the film.  Where are the other suits? Oh, just beneath him, not that they truly try to hide it mind you. This disorder is supposedly “Shell Shock” after the battle with Loki and his Army.

Shell shock?  Really???  Apparently it’s so bad that Tony has panic attacks and even mention of the battle will set him off to a heart strickening panic attack where he needs to be left alone and have Jarvis check his vital signs for a possible heart attack.
After the attack on Jon Favreau’s character Tony goes public and tells The Mandarin he wants revenge and the gives him, his own address… Ok wait, Tony is supposed to be a Genius, WHY THE HELL would he give out his address like that? I mean, yes, Tony Stark has got balls and he’s arrogant, BUT HE’S NOT STUPID!  He would NEVER give out his address, and besides, the bad guys would’ve probably figured out where he lives anyways, but jeez, to just give out his address???  Who in their right mind would do that? I thought itw as an elaborate plan for Tony to capture The Mandarin, but nope, he (apparently) has NO Idea what he’s doing…Which leads me to the attack on Tony’s house.

Moments after Tony gives his address out to the public, the bad guys show up with a FLEET of attack helicopters and blow the crap out of his home!  Ok, DUH what did you expect, the bad guy was gonna show up unarmed and have tea? But what kills me is that Tony, Pepper, and Tony’s ONS (One Night Stand) have NO CLUE they are under attack until they notice the news coverage on TV.

Now here’s one of the critical errors of the film, Tony Stark remote controls his suit of armor to be placed upon Pepper Potts so she can remain safe from the explosion as parts of his house come tumbling down.  This made no sense, if he’s remotely controlling the armor, how then can ‘she’ control it?  Let’s also remember that Tony Stark (later in the movie) tells Rhodie that all the suits are coded to ‘him’.  We could surmise that as a ‘precautionary measure’ he has them coded to Pepper as well.  But if he’s remote controlling the suit, how’s Pepper moving it?

Anyhoo, this brings us to the low part of the film, where Jarvis flies Tony 1,000 miles to some Podunk little town in the middle of nowhere.  There Tony brefriends a little boy who helps him out… I think… Yeah you don’t really know the purpose of the boy’s role other than he shows tony this ‘memorial’ of a person who blew up some locals.  Tony tells the boy that the man didn’t blow up anyone and that the man, himself, blew up and took some locals with him.  This doesn’t really phase anyone in the film, least of all the mother who, SOMEHOW has TOP SECRET documents on her son and is going to give it to Tony? HOW IN THE WORLD does MOM have Top secret documents on her son, and the government doesn’t? Why couldn’t Rhodie dig this stuff up???

Anyway, Tony is then attacked by more of these Self-healing-could-blow-up-minions-of-the-Mandarin and Tony, in natural grandiose style takes them out.

We then get to the 3rd act of this horribly written movie.  This part SHOULD have been the ultimate hurrah! And it was… Until the last 10 minutes….

We see an epic battle between more of The Mandarin’s minions and an ARMY of Tony’s battle suits.  Most of them are remotely controlled by Jarvis while Tony controls one or two via his injected implants.  At one point you even think Pepper Potts dies, but seeing that The (REAL) Mandarin, played by Guy Pearce was injecting her with the same crap his minions received, you figure she survives, and she does…

So finally Tony Stark’s suits prevails, the bad guys are defeated, blah blah.  Jon Favreau’s character comes out of his Coma, the president is ok, and Rhodie still has his suit…AKA: Iron Patriot, which by the way, is such a bad name, don’t know why they changed it from War Machine.

All well and good, until the last 10 minutes… and THIS is what killed the entire movie for me….

So we get to the last 10 minutes of the film, Tony Stark is saying how the suit is a ‘shell’ and he hid in that shell for some time.  He BLOWS UP all his remaining suits during a protocol known as “Clean Slate”.  AND THEN…

The director, writer’s, producers, do something unthinkable….

Tony Stark’s Arc Reactor, the thing that (IMO) makes him human and vulnerable, the device that keeps these tiny metal fragments from penetrating his heart, the heat and soul of the Iron Man suit and keeps it powered…

IS REMOVED!!!!

The metal fragments which, if left uncheck and could ONLY be held at bay by the Arc Reactor….

REMOVED!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the WORST thing they could’ve done in film HISTORY, the Arc Reactor is what saved his life in The Avengers from Loki’s staff, It’s what powered the suits in Iron Man 1 and 2, the power core which kept the reactor going, were making him sick in IM:2 and Tony, through his dad’s secret message found a new power substance so he was no longer sick but also increased the power output of the reactor.  The Arc Reactor which provided clean energy and was the singular thing that kept Tony grounded……

ALL THAT GONE!!! By a simple surgery.

WHAT THE ****!?!?!?

So what was the ****ing point? Why did we go through all that pain and torture with Tony, for the past two films, only to learn that this could’ve been resolved with a SIMPLE SURGERY!?!?!

THIS ladies and gentlemen is why the movie garnished a C-.  Yes, it is entertaining, fun, action packed, etc. But we get to the end and we get screwed.

Thank you Shane Black, Victoria Alonso, Stephen Broussard, Louis D’Esposito, Kevin Feige, Alan Fine, Dan Mintz, Charles Newirth, Lars P. Winther, and ESPECIALLY…

 

STAN LEE and JON FAVREAU

 

For ****ING THIS UP!

 

For everyone else that is all “OMG IRON MAN 3 IS DA BOMB!” you MUST have loved the last Superman movie as well.  Don’t deny it! I see the facebook and twitter posts and just shake my head in disgust.

 

If you’ve read this far, and you still want to see the film, I’d say it’s worth an afternoon matinee or the dollar theater.

 

You could rent it too and you’d probably enjoy it more.

 

At the very end, after the credits, there is a line that says “Tony Stark will return” return as what? A dud?

 

Then after all the credits and text dissapear, you hear Tony thanking someone for listening to him.  When you see Tony, the camera pulls back and you see Mark Ruffalo (AKA Hulk) waking up, and then admitting to Tony that he fell asleep at the very beginning of his story…

 

I think we all wished we were asleep so we can wake up in our beds and realize that Iron Man 3 was a bad dream!

If you’re at this point, then congrats to you.  Realize that this movie really isn’t all that great, and that you wasted your time and money not only on THIS film, but the last two films.  I soooo wanted to like this film, but, like George Lucas explaining the force through Metaclorians, Jon Favreau removes something that is just as important from Iron Man, the Arc Reactor.  way to go guys! hope you’re laughing all the way to the bank. Cuz I would be!
-River